


The Whole World - France

by 8hephaestion8



Series: The World [3]
Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017) RPF
Genre: America, Anal Play, Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blow Jobs, F/M, Family Disputes, France - Freeform, Fucking, Gay Sex, Jealousy, Kissing, Light Angst, M/M, Male Bonding, Male Friendship, Male on male sex, New York, POV Male Character, Sex, Texan, Travel, Utah - Freeform, holiday romance, le puy en velay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-18
Updated: 2018-06-18
Packaged: 2019-05-25 04:47:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14969429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/8hephaestion8/pseuds/8hephaestion8
Summary: This is fiction don't at me.This is the first of the twelve chapters where Armie and Timmy are shown in different and alternative situations,  I am thinking that this should be across the various places/countries that they have either visited or have family connections. Don't expect these to follow on the CMBYN storyline, of course they will be influenced by this.  Think of them on a different timelines but always heading to the same conclusion, meeting and resolving their situation, or not.





	The Whole World - France

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is fiction, I don't know these people.
> 
> This one is from Armie's perspective, it is a first person observation

**France**

_...Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being in love which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident..._

_\- Saint Augustine_

 

**Monday 1 st May 2017**

I had made the mistake of arriving on Labor Day in France.  Everything was closed, there were a few bars that opened for locals, I wasn’t brave enough to venture into them, my French was cursory I could order a beer, perhaps a sandwich and after that I would be in trouble.  I had flown into Paris and then got onto a variety of trains to Le Puy-en-Velay, my hotel was in town, I was tired so got a taxi. When I got to the hotel, I went straight up to bed not even bothering to wash, I had been travelling for two days – I didn’t care, I was tired so went to bed.  Nothing should come between me and my sleep.  I was a nine hour a night man any less and I became tiresome one way or another, anybody who knew me knew this.

I had come to Le Puy-en-Velay to do a little research, not serious university research I was writing a book about an American travelling in Europe, literary fiction.  I had already visited Paris, Berlin and Rome – I was reversing through these countries, but through smaller more intimate towns. I liked travelling by myself, I’d left behind a world of minor troubles, a period when I needed a little space, some spare time a chance to meet new people, no obligations, it had become a little too uncomfortable. I wasn’t travelling to visit places, I was trying to find myself, represented on the pages I intended to write.

The room was satisfactory.  I had my own shower and toilet. It was a small relatively cheap hotel, Three-Star by European standards, a motel in American terms.  I drank water from a bottle bought at the airport, lay down and immediately fell asleep.

 

**Tuesday 2 nd May 2017**

When I woke my tongue cleaved to the roof of my mouth and it felt nasty – I had to get up to pee as well.  I showered for a long time, didn’t bother to shave.  Came down and had breakfast, I was aware that this meant cheese, charcuterie, a variety of bread and jams, so not shocked.  I ate my fill, went back upstairs for some things to get me through the day and then ventured out.  It was quiet the market was due the next day, Wednesday, I looked forward to spending time just sitting in the square watching vendors and shoppers.  I was lucky to have been granted a short visit with the Bishop who happened to be in town during my visit.  This was my main job for the day.

I started this journal – I wanted to be able to refer back, it was a book containing not only personal thoughts, but little sketches, print-offs of images captured from trawling through Google and text references to places and to people I had met along the way.  It was valuable to me in all kinds of ways I didn’t want to lose it.

I made my way to the cathedral.  It was a twenty minute walk from the hotel, or I thought it was, by the time I arrived I was half-an-hour later than intended and sweating – it didn’t look that far on the map but I got a bit lost on the winding streets and there was a bit of a climb to the Cathedral offices.  I thought I would have time for a quick walk round the cathedral, but in fact I ended being just about on time for my appointment.  I flopped down on the chair offered.

The offices were by American standards old and shabby, later I realised that they were in fact from the 19th century and part of the Unesco Heritage site of which the cathedral belonged, so they could not be updated.  I felt a bit ashamed of my disparaging view.  An attractive woman asked me to wait for a few moments, I was happy to.

The door to the office opened, a man about my age came out, hand ready for a hand shake – I looked into his face, which was pleasant, no – actually very good looking, dark wavy hair longer than would be expected, tall, 6 foot or so, very slim, his green eyes smiling.

“Sorry to have kept you waiting, It’s Armie isn’t it?  Very nice to meet you, I’m Tim” A New York accent but tempered by having lived in Europe for a while

“Hey, yes Armie – short for Armand, my grandfather is from Europe too. Hello Tim, very nice to meet you too.”

I felt stupid, like I had lost my brains.  I couldn’t even remember where my grandfather was from, it went clean out of my mind.

“So which part of California do you come from?”

“Actually, I was born and brought up in the Bahamas. I came to America when I was 18 to go to college that is where I got the Californian accent.”  I sounded testy, I didn’t mean to but I got fed up of being called an American, contrary but true.  It was only when people listened to me properly that they could hear that I wasn’t American – I had an American passport sure, my parents were Texan, so I was an outsider from birth, neither one thing or another, it was a cause of anxiety.

He looked evenly at me, I could tell he was intrigued, he hadn’t taken offence.

“Would you like a drink, some coffee?  Soft drink or water?”

“Water please.”

“Caroline, would you mind, Armie, please, come this way.”  He led me into the office.

I spent an hour there, the Bishop was kind and gave me 15 minutes; Tim arranged to meet me again so he could give me the papers promised during our discussion.

I went for a walk by around Cathedral by the time I’d finished the day was virtually done.  I took a long slow walk back to the hotel.  I was tired, went for a nap – when I woke it was dinnertime.

 

**Wednesday 3 rd May 2017**

The next morning, I felt refreshed – in fact the walking had done me good, I was naturally tired and slept through peacefully.

At breakfast, a brunette came and sat at the next table.  I am 6’ 5”, dark blond and blue eyed – used to women coming onto me.  She waited a reasonable time, then got up and asked if I had any strawberry jam...English, slim with some flesh on her, olive skinned, attractive, very pretty accent, just my type - I thought why not, if she wanted I’d fuck her.  We struck up a conversation, her name was Celeste, we arranged to meet later for a coffee.

I went up to my room – taking a coffee with me for the balcony, I sat for a while and did some reading, just some background material to help with the book.  I had arranged to meet Celeste at the bar come café across the road at 11.00, I got up to meet her.  By 12.00 I was back in the room, Celeste did not waste time.

I wanted her to go afterwards, to be honest it was just a fuck – I didn’t have anything in common with her.  I still arranged to meet with her again later, this time to go to a bar and perhaps something to eat.  She was leaving the next day so why not? I just didn’t want to spend all day with her, she was easy on the eye but not satisfying to talk to.  I could put up with her for a few hours, and she knew what she was doing in bed, my excuse was it had been a while and she knew the score, I never got to the market.

 

**Thursday 4 th May 2017**

This time I got to the Cathedral on time, Tim was waiting for me outside the office.

“Morning Armie, how are you?”

“I am fine Tim, very well.  What a lovely day.”

He smiled at me, again the placid even smile.

“Yes, it is indeed a lovely day – would you like to go for a walk?”

Why not? I had time that morning, and he had asked nicely.

“Shall we have a coffee?”

“That would be nice, then I can explain why I don’t have the papers I promised…hahaha”

He touched my elbow to point me in the right direction.  We set off, walking for about an hour, ending up the other side of the old Town, coffee was replaced by a Fanta, we sat down on a bench drinking our drinks having an easy conversation.  He was actually being sponsored by the Taize brotherhood, French monks who spread the ministry across the world, somehow finding Tim in Hell’s Kitchen, New York.  Timothy to give his natural name, was not a monk but an orphan brought up in a Catholic children’s home.   The monks had provided support to the home and as he was a natural at languages (studied modern languages at college) had been sponsored to provide administrative help to the Cathedral, previously spending time in London, Paris and Barcelona.  He was sophisticated, witty, naturally pleasant and tactful.  He had a way of finding out things about you without being obtrusive, he was very empathetic.  I liked him.

“Are you around this evening?  Perhaps we could go for a drink at Brasserie Le Central, they have a screen, there’s bound to be something sports related to watch, might be fun” 

“Sorry, I can’t this evening – there’s a reception at the Cathedral for a formal pilgrimage, no drinking, just small talk.” He paused.  “Why don’t you come?”

I could think of nothing worse.

“OK – is it being held here?”

“No it is at actually in the cathedral cloisters, what’s your phone number I’ll send you details.”

We exchanged contact details, I had sent them previously but he obviously had not put them into his personal mobile.

As I turned to go, he said: “It isn’t formal, but if you could wear something appropriate not those shorts…or sandals”

“Come on Tim, I know better than that”  He looked me up and down, I wasn’t sure why he was looking at me like that, like he was appreciating what he saw, now that he really looked.

I laughed and turned down the hill to get a taxi back, I knew if I walked back I would end up napping again, and oversleeping.

I arrived back at 7.30pm, just in time for the event to start, it was due to finish around 9, a drinks reception without alcohol.  I had showered and worn something that I knew suited me, a pair of dark navy chinos, belted with a navy shirt, Tom Ford, it skimmed my body.  I didn’t look bad, I would draw attention – in a good way.

Tim came up and greeted me, warmly shaking my hand, placed a hand in the middle of my back to guide me through the crowd; this time I noticed how he looked at me when first he saw me, his eyes dark, then clearing. He introduced me to a group of fellow American visitors. I passed this off as him being comfortable with himself and his dealings with others, because he disappeared back into the crowd. The women, older and married treated me like an errant son – I could flirt with them shamelessly, they indulged me.  The men treated me as their equal, I understand why, my height and bearing was an advantage at times, at other times a nuisance because I could not hide.  Caroline came over and started up a conversation, she was funny, intelligent and well read, we chatted about this and that, and I found out she had been married but was now divorced, a little older than me at 34, I was 31. Tim was 28. I spent the rest of the evening with her.

“How did you come by this job?”

“My mother is a stalwart of the cathedral, she comes every morning for the early morning service, the Bishop loves her – it was she who introduced me to the Bishop’s support team and when a job came up, I interviewed and because I already knew everybody, I was in with a very good chance.  It worked out for me but it was fairly done. I’ve been here for two years.”

“Do you want to go for a drink?  We have done our service here, don’t you think?”

“Let me find Tim, then yes I would love to go for a drink, I am desiring one actually.  There’s a nice bar at the bottom of the cathedral steps, we don’t have to go down them it’s a bit dark, we can go round the side of the cathedral. It’s properly lit, it will take a little longer as it is not so direct.”

This wasn’t entirely true, it was lit, safe but some shadows, I pulled her into a corner on the way down once we had left the cloisters and kissed her lightly, no-one was around.  She put a hand on my chest to prevent me moving in again.

“Sorry, am I being too forward – I don’t mean to upset you”

“No, it is OK really…I just felt a little awkward doing this on cathedral premises”

“I should have been more respectful.”

I liked her and wanted her to feel comfortable, so I gave her my arm and we walked down slowly, continuing our amiable chat to the Old Town and in the bar.  When it reached 11pm, I asked if she wanted to share a taxi back.  She agreed.  In the back of the cab, I took the liberty of putting my arm around her, drawing her in and kissing her again, I put my other hand on her waist, then on her breast, she sighed and took a deep breath which I took as consent and deepened the kiss. Her hand found my leg, I opened my legs slightly, she took the hint and ran them up to palm and press my cock.  We got to her house, got out and I kissed her thoroughly, my hands roaming, squeezing her ass, pulling her into me, she had to stand on the step she was a head shorter than me, my height could be a nuisance in these circumstances.  I saw her into the house, I liked her so I thought not to actually go in, but I did make arrangements to have dinner with her on Saturday.  I would spend tomorrow writing up some notes, and I didn’t need or want the distraction.

 

**Friday 5 th May**

I was lying in bed contemplating getting up, a call came in, it was Tim.

“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to talk with you last night Armie, did you enjoy yourself?”

“Morning Tim, yes I did – those people were lovely but they were quite a bit older than me, thank God Caroline rescued me, they could only talk about their aches and pains, and how long it had taken them to get to the Cathedral.  You left me with them on purpose didn’t you?”

“Why would I do that? I like you, I didn’t want to inflict punishment.”

“Yes, but you left me with them and didn’t return, you didn’t even care about what happened to me, that was cold”

He chuckled.

“I knew you could manage.  You have very good manners, and can be very charming, I saw you with those women, they were beside themselves.”

“What do you mean?”

“You know very well what I mean, they were all over you”

“Well if you minded, you should have spent time with me”

“I kept an eye, not my place to mind”

“Really, well you should have come and talked to me, I had things I wanted to discuss with you”

“That is why I didn’t want to come over, I knew you would talk business.  I wanted you there so you could have fun”

“Fun…with the oldsters”

“Yes – you were loving the attention…that outfit fit you very well – you know how to catch an eye”

“I try.  What are you doing today?”

“Well I have a meeting with the Bishop, I have to make a trip next week to Saint-Julien Molhesabate, I’ll be gone overnight”

“OK…why do you have to stay overnight?”

“Travel down here is a bit awkward on public transport, I don’t have a car”

“Can’t the Diocese afford to hire one?”

“I don’t drive”

“What do you mean you don’t drive? Why didn’t you learn when you were 16?”

“I lived in New York, I didn’t need a car there.  When I was upstate, I lived with someone, so I didn’t need to drive, I was chauffeured around”

I noticed that he was evasive, I wanted to ask what he meant by lived with ‘someone’, what chauffeured meant. He had my attention, I realised that I wanted to know more about him.

“Tim I need to get up – do you want to meet for a coffee later?”

The note writing could wait.

“I can’t Armie, I am really busy today”.

“Want to have dinner?”

A hesitation.

“I want to but probably best if we postpone that, I have things to do this evening, there’s another event later on”

“OK – if you change your mind I am free, or can be free most of today, just give me a call”

He didn’t ring back, I just got on with the note writing but he stayed on my mind.

 

**Saturday 6 th May 2017**

Caroline called me to confirm dinner, I liked that she felt confident enough to do that, I would meet her for pre-dinner drinks at 7.30pm, and aim to eat around 8.30pm then see what the evening held.  I was looking forward to this.

I thought I would take in the sights, there was another chapel to see, I would be a tourist for the day. I checked the map and realised that if I was going out that evening I should just do Chapelle St. Michel d'Aiguilhe and choose another day for the rest of town.  I had until the end of May, still plenty of time to discover Le Puy-en-Velay.  When I got there, it was busy, I climbed the steps taking photos along the way posting them to Instagram and Facebook as I went along, it gave me a chance to stop and take my breath, others did the same.  The views were stunning and the Chapel had ambience. I stayed away from the crowd, hung back so I could look around at my leisure.  The 12th Century building and interiors actually got to me, I felt the history of the place and sat for a while just enjoying being present, the other tourists didn’t bother me I was able to dismiss them.  I had bought Augustine’s Confessions with me, found a corner and read some of the meditations:

“What does love look like? It has the hands to help others. It has the feet to hasten to the poor and needy. It has eyes to see misery and want. It has the ears to hear the sighs and sorrows of men. That is what love looks like.”

I flicked through to another favourite:

“This is what we love in friends. We love to the point that human conscience feels guilty if we do not love the person who is loving us, and if that love is not returned - without demanding any physical response other than the marks of affectionate good will.” 

I looked up, Tim was in front of me.

He took the book out of my hands, sat beside me, and turned a few pages. He knew what he was looking for, he read only for me, for my ears only:

“For I wondered that others, subject to death, did live, since he whom I loved, as if he should never die, was dead; and I wondered yet more that myself, who was to him a second self, could live, he being dead. Well said one of his friend, "Thou half of my soul"; for I felt that my soul and his soul were "one soul in two bodies": and therefore was my life a horror to me, because I would not live halved. And therefore perchance I feared to die, lest he whom I had much loved should die wholly.”

 

He smiled that gentle smile, got up and left me musing, his eyes never leaving mine whilst he stood and turned.  I watched him walk away, self-contained, aura’d, people parted to let him through. I felt like he had left a piece of him with me as he drifted away – he carried that inner peace I had witnessed in those who truly believed, he was blessed. I was a bit overcome, I watched until he turned and went down the steps.

 

Caroline turned up on time, we met at The Black Pearl bar.  She looked great – feminine, heels she could walk in, her hair freshly washed.  I wanted to get close to her, smell her, take her in, since encountering Tim I had become unnerved, I wanted something to take the edge off, she was ideal, something to concentrate on.  I kissed her French style three times, left then right, then left, her hand brushed my arm as she held on to accept my embrace.  We sat at a table just inside the Bar by a window, I wanted to show her off, I also wanted to take care of her, show my appreciation.

 

“What would you like to drink?”

“I’ll have a Sancerre, they sell it by glass or bottle, shall we stay to eat as well? We could have a bottle then.  They do super steak & frites here, it’s very special the beef.”

“That’s OK with me, are you sure?  I wanted to take you to The Chamarlenc.  I’d booked a table it has very good reviews, have you been there before?”

I would have to text them to tell them we weren’t coming or lose a deposit, I didn’t mind.

“Yes, I have been a couple of times, the food is good, I prefer the feeling of this restaurant – it’s my local, the food is good here too.”

I wasn’t so happy, as I couldn’t get round the table to sit alongside her, we could only face each other.  I had a feeling she was kind of holding me off.  I wasn’t wrong.

We ended up with the burger and frites, she was right it was very tasty. We had a very pleasant time, she was accomplished and able to hold her own with me, I had enjoyed our evening but it was not the romantic dinner date I had prepared myself for.  From time to time my concentration lapsed and Tim’s face came into view, his voice from our conversations.

We had had another bottle of the Sancerre, I am a large man and actually drank most of the two bottles, Caroline was circumspect and stopped drinking after her third glass swapping over to mineral water.  I was mellow and had taken her hand over the table, when time came I paid the bill, and we walked out of the restaurant, she lived fifteen minutes away, I hoped she wold invite me in for coffee.  She did.  She made me some filter coffee, I began to sober up and became more amorous.

“So, Caroline what’s the story with Tim?”

“What do you mean?”

“Does he have a girlfriend?”

She looked under her eyes at me.

“I don’t know, we don’t discuss that kind of thing…he keeps that information to himself. I suppose he doesn’t want to bring that discussion into the office, it is not just us who come to that office.  I don’t want to tell him about my sex life and he doesn’t tell me about his.  Also remember, he is superior to me – and it is relatively small community, it is likely that I know the person he chooses to sleep with, so I would rather not discuss this with him.”

“Are you trying to tell me you don’t know anything?  What about when he first arrived?  He is a good-looking man, so I would have thought that at some point in the last couple of years, you had an inkling of lovers or friends.”

“Inkling, what does this mean?”

“Inkling, it means that you know, have a belief, have worked out – it doesn’t mean you know for sure, but that you have an idea of what is going on.”

“In that case no, why are you wanting to know about him anyway.  Come over here.”

I put down my coffee and moved up the sofa. I embraced her, was about to kiss her and realised that I tasted of coffee, I excused myself and asked for the bathroom, I had some gum and was going to go to pee and chew for a few moments or at least until the coffee taste had gone.  When I came back she had started to clear away the cups.  She came back to the sofa.

“Where were we?”

She patted the sofa, I re-grouped, and embraced her again, this time she wanted to go to the toilet.

We sat together a third time, looked at each other and laughed.

“This isn’t going to work, is it?”

I had to agree.

“Shall we go for a walk?”

I acquiesced.  It allowed me to put my arm around her as we walked the streets, she had changed shoes, we walked for about 30 minutes, the evening was warm pleasant, others were doing the same.  It wasn’t even 11pm yet, we walked a circuit round her house and arrived back at her front door.

“Do you want to stay?”

“I’ll come in” 

But I wasn’t sure that I wanted to stay.

We got inside the front door, and I pressed her against the wall, kissing her, she moved and pressed her body against mine.   Because of her height my waist was somewhat above hers, I wanted to go to the sofa, so we could lie down together, it would be more comfortable and I could press my body properly to hers, if you know what I mean.

“Shall we go upstairs, you can stay over.”

The offer was there again, again I wasn’t sure.  I enjoyed kissing and holding her, I wasn’t sure, I wasn’t sure.  Perhaps fucking Celeste had dampened my appetite, but that didn’t make sense, I had become hard when we were kissing in the car.

“Sorry Caroline, it just seems a bit wrong tonight, can we try again another night?

Of course, shall we meet on Tuesday or Wednesday?

“Tuesday I think is better for me, shall I come here to meet with you – we can go to The Chamarlenc.  I’ll book a table, let me organise things.”

I knew what I was going to do.  When I got back to the hotel, I booked some flowers to arrive on Monday, I ordered another copy of the favourite St Augustine sayings, and arranged for the book to be sent to her home address.  I texted her goodnight and promised to fuck her when I saw her next, except I put it more politely.

 

**Sunday 7 th May 2017**

I spent the day mostly in bed, I was feeling frustrated and jacked off in the shower, it served a purpose.

 

**Monday 8 th May 2017**

Another holiday.  Another day spent at the hotel – I did manage to get a lot of writing done. Still feeling frustrated, jacked off again, taking my time, lying naked on the bed in the early evening – huge orgasm.  I didn’t leave the room. I enjoyed walking around with nothing on, feeling the sense of the room on my body.  I still felt very horny, couldn’t work out what was going on – I could have called Caroline, she would have come round or I could have gone there but it wasn’t what I wanted.  I was confused.

 

**Tuesday 9 th May 2017.**

We never got to the Restaurant, I went to her house.  As soon as I was in the house, I shut the door, picked her up and she wrapped her legs around me.  She was perched right on my dick, wet, I was hard immediately. She held on, I didn’t even pull off her knickers, just pushed them to one side and made her sit on my cock whilst I was standing, her back against the wall.  Between the hall and the sitting room, we lost clothing, I sat on the sofa, she pushed herself down, then up and then down.  I didn’t want anything else, no kissing or foreplay just deep rough fucking, sitting up or lying down.  It was fucking hot, I came in about five minutes – might not have been so good for Caroline, but it was just what I needed.  When I recovered, I took her to bed and made love to her, she could not complain.

 

**Wednesday 10 th May 2017**

Morning Armie, how are you?

  * Great, what have you been up to?



Been busy sorting out my trip. Travelling tomorrow, have much preparation to do.

  * I can drive you if you want me to.



Would you? I’d like the company.  Are you sure?

  * Really, I don’t mind. I can write on the road.



What about your writing how is that going?

  * OK I got another set of notes for a chapter done yesterday making progress.



How did you find St Michel?  That is my most favourite place in the world.

  * Are you training to be a priest?



No

  * How come you are living a celibate single life like a priest?



I am not training to be a priest, you can see how I live

  * No I can’t



Well I am not going to be a priest nor am I celibate.  I am a person with a facility for languages.  When I finish this role, I shall look for something which means I can use those skills.

  * How long do you have left in this role?



I am not tied, it is a normal job contract. Four to six weeks’ notice.  I won’t just leave you.

  * I’d like to do some people watching, do you want to join me for a coffee at 11, at The Majestic?



Persistent, that’s the third time you’ve asked me out.

  * I am not fucking asking you out.



Language

  * Are you coming or not?



Yes see you later.

  * Bring the papers



 

Caroline came to the hotel that night, we didn’t get much sleep, I didn’t care, I wasn’t going to see her again until Saturday, so I made sure that she wouldn’t forget me nor consider sleeping with anyone else until I returned.

 

**Thursday 11 th May 2017**

“For the rest, which we commonly call friends, and friendships, are nothing but acquaintance, and familiarities, either occasionally contracted, or upon some design, by means of which, there happens some little intercourse betwixt our souls: but in the friendship I speak of, they mix and work themselves into one piece, with so universal a mixture, that there is no more sign of the seam by which they were first conjoyn’d.”

“Montaigne is so clear and concise, don’t you think?  He has some famous words on Friendship, let me read them to you.

  * FOR the rest, which we commonly call Friends, and Friendships, are nothing but Acquaintance, and Familiarities, either occasionally contracted, or upon some design, by means of which, there happens some little intercourse betwixt our Souls: but in the Friendship I speak of, they mix and work themselves into one piece, with so universal a mixture, that there is no more sign of the Seame by which they were first conjoin’d. If a Man should importune me to give a reason why I lov’d him [his friend Etienne de la Boëtie]; I find it could no otherwise be exprest, than by making answer, because it was he, because it was I. There is, beyond I am able to say, I know not what inexplicable and fatal power that brought on this Union. We sought one another long before we met, and by the Characters we heard of one another, which wrought more upon our Affections, than in reason, meer reports should do, I think by some secret appointment of Heaven, we embraced in our Names; and at our first meeting, which was accidentally at a great City entertainment, we found ourselves so mutually taken with one another, so acquainted, and so endear’d betwixt our selves, that from thenceforward nothing was so near to us as one another. He writ an excellent Latin Satyr, which I since Printed, wherein he excuses the precipitation of our intelligence, so suddenly come to perfection, saying, that being to have so short a continuance, as being begun so late (for we were both full grown Men, and he some Years the older), there was no time to lose; nor was ti’d to conform it self to the example of those slow and regular Friendships, that require so many precautions of a long præliminary Conversation. This has no other Idea, than that of its self; this is no one particular consideration, nor two, nor three, nor four, nor a thousand: ’tis I know not what quintessence of all this mixture, which, seizing my whole Will, carried it to plunge and lose it self in his, and that having seiz’d his whole Will, brought it back with equal concurrence and appetite, to plunge and lose it self in mine. I may truly say, lose, reserving nothing to our selves, that was either his or mine.”



He sent me this recording over the phone, I listened as I got dressed – it struck me that he was clearly making a statement about our friendship.   I needed to talk to him – needed to make sure that he knew about Caroline and I, clarify our situation, stress that we were an interlude, something very pleasant to enjoy whilst I was staying in Le Puy, I had no intention of prolonging that relationship.  This road trip, was an opportunity for a deep conversation.

 

I was to pick him on at the bottom of the Cathedral steps – I didn’t even know where he lived, he kind of kept that to himself too.

“Hey, Hi – Let me get that for you.”  I got out and took the overnight bag and put it in the boot. “Oh, before I shut the boot, do you need anything out of the bag?”

“No I’m good Armie.  I have plugged the journey onto my phone, do you have an in-car charger?  I want to run the sat nav and music”

When I had picked up the car from the hire company I had specifically asked if we could have a double charger, they only provided a single slotted one, it was a nuisance but we could probably manage as I had a portable charger too.

“Have a look in the glove box Tim, there’s one in there, where are we going? And how long will it take?...I will definitely need you to help with the signs – I know the road signs are in English as well, but I know I am going to get confused with the road layouts, we might end up taking detours, if I miss a turn-off bear with me won’t you please.”

“Armie, I really appreciate this, and I’ll have no problems if we end up taking a wrong turn, nothing to worry about”

We sat amiably, going through a paper version of the road map so I could track roughly where we were going, worked out what music to put on, we had to compromise - he liked ambient chilled electronic music I preferred music to drive to, like Tame Impala - and settled on the Eagles and America, we both had Spotify, lastly a final check that he had everything.   We were going to Saint-Julien Molhesabate, it was on the far edge of the diocese but actually only an hour or so away, it looked like a dead and alive place.  I wasn’t looking forward to staying there, it was exactly like the place I was getting away from in America.

“Why exactly are we going there?”

“The parish recently received a very large bequest from Madame Proulx, the monies have to be split between the parish she died in, the one the family were last all together in, and the Bishop’s seat. We have to find witnesses, check the will, and then get the relevant papers signed so they can be notarised by the lawyers and the monies distributed.”

“Interesting.  How often does that happen?”

“More often than you would think”

We fell into a silence whilst I got us out of town and onto the auto route, as the French called the Highway, I drove sensibly and was able to make all the turns in the right way.

“Timmy, you don’t have to answer – how come you are single?”

“Hahaha…who says I am single?”

I was shocked, I had just assumed he was because he hadn’t spoken about a partner.

“Sorry, I don’t mean to cause offence – is she in town?”

“Hahaha…who says it is a she?”

Now he was beginning to annoy me.

“OK – I get you don’t want to talk about it.  So what is the story with Caroline?” 

I thought to change the subject onto safe ground, I knew the answers to this but wondered if I might get some gen on Caroline.

“Why are you asking me about Caroline?  I thought you and she had a thing going on. She mentioned that you were meeting over the weekend so I thought you were dating or something.  You're sleeping with her, aren’t you?”

Now I really annoyed.

“So you won’t talk about yourself, but are perfectly happy to discuss my sex life?”

“Armie, you put it out there – the taxi drivers come to church, they talk to their friends after church during the coffee morning.  A taxi driver takes you both to Caroline’s or she walks into your hotel.  Other people see, people know her, they see who leaves in the morning or the same night. The taxi ranks are just outside your hotel.”

I shut up.

“Plus you have that smug look on your face, and you look tired.  I can put 2 and 2 together and very easily get 4, you’ve been fucking all night, haven’t you?”   He was very even toned, there was no criticism, it was just flat expression.

Now I was embarrassed. I don’t know why I started this stream of conversation.  I wanted to embarrass him into confessing I don’t know what, I wanted to find out if he was sleeping with someone - It was important to me, stupid because it had no bearing on the reason that I was in Le Puy or why we were travelling, I just wanted to know. I turned a little pink, gripped the wheel and concentrated on the road.  I was quiet unless spoken to, behaving like a small child – annoyed about losing the opportunity of talking with him.

When we had got about 10 minutes away from our destination, I spoke.

“Tim, I’m sorry, I behaved like an ass earlier, forgive me?”

“Nothing to forgive, I understand.  It is difficult living in a small community, everybody wants to know your business to work out if you belong to them or another group that they don’t have to worry about.  I also find it difficult, and I have been here a little while.  You just need to be a bit more cautious, this is small town politics, it is rural France not Paris where these things are seen as normal.  Down here nobody speaks but everyone knows – you will be gone in a couple of weeks, Caroline will still be here, if you care about her, be cautious on her behalf, treat her kindly and let people see that you are being kind.”

Fucking hell, he was giving me a lesson on manners.  I could begin to see where I had gone wrong at home. I was only ever passing through, I knew when I came to go to college, that I would not be stopping – I knew I was heading for New York, so I didn’t care, the people around me served one purpose or another. I grew hot and cold, I looked at Tim, he was concentrating on the road ahead.

“We are just a few minutes away Armie, pay attention – we could make a bad mistake and end up back on the highway.”

I heard what he said, the roads because smaller and covered in foliage.  We ended up at a small cottage just on the edge of the woods, there was a large pond, some clothes were still hanging on the drying line – that was a novelty, I had never used a line dryer.  We both went into the house keen to see how it was set up.  It was rustic, lovely.  The only thing was there was only one bedroom.  I was blinking when I asked if there was another room,

“There isn’t Armie, it is coming into Summer Season and if we didn’t take this we would have stayed some distance away”

I thought I don’t mind if it is a distance, we might not have needed to share the bed – it was a double, there were only benches or a three seater sofa downstairs, I needed a King or Queen sized bed, my feet would be hanging over the edge of the bed.  This would not do.  I looked across at him, he was looking a little uncomfortable.

“I have to meet Father Nicholas, and Madame Proulx’s family, could you drive me back into town please, my meeting is in half-an-hour.  We don’t have much time”

I dumped my bags, went out to drive him.

He rang to be picked up around 5pm.  I went to get him.

“How was the meeting?  Everyone there?”

“The meeting was fine, all good.  Look Armie, shall we find a bed and breakfast?  There might even be a gite available in the next town – when I booked I asked for a house away from the main roads.  I should have changed the booking.”

“Don’t worry Tim, it is only for one night – if you can put up with me”.

Whilst I was waiting for him to come out of the office, I had come to a conclusion – no need to get annoyed, I was only here for a short while and I wanted nothing to get in the way.

Of what?  I hear you.  I had been thinking about Montaigne and had re-listened to it.  I wanted that kind of friendship, I felt it was possible.

We went into the village for dinner, when we got back it was not long after 10.

“I am going up Tim, I’m tired.  We have to be up early tomorrow don’t we?  Your meeting is at 10am, and I’d like to get some breakfast before we get fully on the road.  Is that OK?”

He nodded acquiescence.  I went up brushed the teeth and showered, I contemplated washing my hair, thought better. Got dressed for bed, got in and fell asleep more or less immediately.  I didn’t even hear him come up or get into bed.

 

**Friday 12 th May 2017**

When I woke I was of course wrapped around him, my body spotting another in close proximity, had sidled over to his side of the bed.  I had one arm roughly around his waist and a leg virtually over his, his back was hooked into my front.  It felt nice.  I detached myself, went for a pee.  He mildly turned, looked for me in his sleep and went back to dreaming.  It was only 6am.  I got back in but kept my distance, we were awake again at 7.30am.

“Morning Armie”

“Morning Tim, how did you sleep?”

“Very well, what about you?”

“Good, I’m rested, shall we make our way into town after our showers?  I’d like to stop for some kind of breakfast, I am a bit notorious if I don’t get some kind of protein for breakfast”

“Caveman”

Thank God we were back to ourselves.

I had forgotten to charge my phone, I wanted to talk to Caroline so I had to call her from his phone, she didn’t sound pleased.

 

**Saturday 13 th May 2017**

“You OK?”

“Yes, why do you ask?”

That was when I knew I was in trouble, I decided to wait until I saw her later that afternoon.

We were having a late afternoon snack, tea, coffee whatever. 

“Tell me what is wrong”

“There’s nothing wrong.”

“There is.”

She looked thoughtful, I could tell she was working out what to say.

“There’s nothing wrong”

I let it drop.

“Let’s go for a walk, the market is still open I haven’t had a chance to see what’s going on”

“OK”

I took her hand, she went soft and squeezed my hand.  I decided to let her be only mumbling and commenting on what we saw.  We got to a vintage stall, there was a very pretty silk scarf.

“This is pretty, it would suit you – can I buy it for you?”

Her eyes began to shine. “Yes please, I would like that very much”

She kissed me gently on the mouth.  We were back on good terms.

I put my arm around her shoulders, gave her a quick hug, gently kissed her back.

After the market, we went back to our table at the café.

“You know Tim is an orphan?”

“I do”

“Did he tell you how it happened?”

“No, he tends to be very private, I can’t really get very much out of him”

“He likes you very much”

“Oh OK.”

“Well, it is quite an interesting story, his father was Catholic, his mother Jewish – they were not married - to each other. He is the result of an affair.  Neither could take him, he prefers to say that he is an orphan.”

“Wow”

“Yes, it was a wild enduring relationship, they could not keep away from each other, but they were from strongly religious families, neither would give way and compromise, they kept in touch with him so he knows his parents, they rarely visit together, usually when they visit they come separately, and they are still in love, it was and is a coup de foudre. He is the product of love, it shows in his being.”

“How did you find out? Did he tell you?”

“Yes he told me, he told me, so I could tell you”

“What?”

“Yes, he told me last year, like you said he has been reticent about his past.  He is a very thoughtful man, nothing is done or said without reason.  I am not sure that he completely understands himself either.”

I was still stuck, I had heard: ‘he told me so I could tell you’. Why?

“Wait, did he tell you to tell me?”

“No, but I know that is what he would have wanted”

I couldn’t deal with this.

“Let’s not talk about Tim, I don’t want to concentrate on him. I am interested in you and what you want.  What shall we do this evening?”

“I’ve got dinner planned for you – I am going to cook your favourite meal”

“So how do you know what my favourite meal is?”

“You have told me many times”

“I haven’t”

“Steak, salad and potatoes of some description”

I laughed, she was right.

“Come for 8”

I remembered what Tim had said, I was kind.  When we went to bed, I made love to her with my mouth and hands - I spread her and took her in my mouth, blew on her and licked her, worshipped her with my body, I used my fingers and tongue to press inside her…sucked anything that rose, her nipples grew hard, so I pulled them, used my hands to brush her body, squeezing her breasts and bottom – I sought to make all parts of her body sensitive so that when she came the sensation would be intensified, I returned attention to the flesh between her legs, she was nectar to my bee - she lay there arms above her head, open to me. I took nothing from her in return.

 

**Sunday 14 th May 2017**

She made breakfast, we sat in her small patio and ate.

“I shall miss you when you have gone”

“What has brought that on?”

“I am just being realistic, and making sure that you know that you do not have to worry about upsetting me, I know what this is”

This made me sad.

“I enjoy your company…”

Shit, that was the wrong thing to say.

“I meant that I like you...I don’t know what to say…I do like you…I feel like I should be saying that I love you…there should be different words to show that you care for someone…I care for you…I care about you…I don't know...the difficult part for me is to admit that this is time limited…God, I don’t know what to say…”

She laughed.

“I don’t want to sound like I am just making use of you”

“Don’t worry, as I said, I recognise what this is, I know you don’t love me – I hope you will always care about me, and think pleasantly about your time in Le Puy …”

I thought it best to say nothing else, I just gently kissed her, she was very understanding.

 

**Monday 15 th May**

It was best to concentrate on my writing; the last few days had been intense.  I took the papers that Tim had given me and went to the local library. I spent the day writing, and the evening reading.  I switched off my phone, I didn’t want to hear from anyone.

 

**Tuesday 16 th May**

Same.

 

**Wednesday 17 th May**

Tim turned up just before lunchtime.  I was at the bar across the road, he knew that was my spot for informal writing.  I normally sat in a booth at the back. The bar owner was used to me, he spoke a little English, I spoke a little French, between us we managed to communicate, Stephane had become a friend.  He looked out for me.

“What are you doing?”

“Writing”

“I can see that, I mean for lunch?”

“Nothing”

“Do you want to go…”

“Not really”

“Why are you upset?”

“I am not upset, I have come here to do some writing”

He got up.  I hadn’t really looked at him. Now all I could see was his back.

“Tim”

“Tim”

He paused and walked back.

“I don’t have to put up with your passive aggressive behaviour”

“Passive Aggressive…Passive Aggressive, what the fuck are you talking about?  I was writing, you interrupted me.”

I didn’t understand what was going on.

“What would it cost you to be pleasant for a few moments?

By now we had an audience, I pulled him into the booth.

“What’s the matter?”  When I looked at him closely I could see he was upset.

“Come on tell me, what is the matter?  You can talk to me, don’t start the conversation half way through, I am not on the same page as you yet.”

“Not here, can we go for a walk, I wanted to go to lunch with you to tell you”

I gathered up my papers, notebooks and pen – I gave them to Stephane, he smiled at me, looked at Tim and shook his head.

We got out onto the street.  Had gone along for a bit, the day was fine, breezy but sunny.

“What did you tell Caroline?”

“What do you mean, tell?”

“She isn’t talking to me”

“What – look I don’t know what is going on between you two, I think there is something neither of you is telling me, I am the new person here.  She tells me things that she thinks you want me to know, now you are asking me what I have told her.  I won’t talk to her about you, you are her manager.”

“I am not her manager”

“Whatever, you are in a senior position to her.  Let’s get things straight.  How well do you know her?  What is your relationship to her?”

He had a devilish look on his face, I knew he wasn’t going to tell me anything meaningful.

“She came into the office a couple of years ago, we work in the same group of staff, very close to the Bishop, we are work colleagues and we get on well but we do not socialise outside of work.  I have to be careful as she knew the Bishop before I did, and her family are on very good terms with him. I only know what she tells me, I am not intimate with her”

I noted that he used the word intimate.  I wondered exactly what she had been saying.

“But she does like to tell me about her relationships, I think she does it to rile me to get me thinking.  I am quite shy really, so I think she likes to see if she can embarrass me.  I am not sure if she likes me, if she wants to sleep with me or if it is meaningless.  What do you think?”

“You know I am seeing her, I won’t be disloyal nor will I discuss anything about what we do in our relationship.  We are friends but there have to be boundaries.  I am uncertain what it is you want to know.  Do you want advice or are you just giving me information about yourself?”

Again that even look, a slight smile playing on his lips.

“I am not asking you about sex or how to get a woman. I was just wondering if you had any advice on how to deal with her, because you know her”

“Just treat her with kindness, you already know the answer – I don’t think she wants to sleep with you, it may be just a way to get you to open up.”

I felt I was being played with, by both of them.  I realised now that my friendship with both was causing some friction between them, I didn’t understand why.  I would be gone in a couple of weeks, neither would be coming with me.

“What did she tell you about me?”

“The truth about your parents”

“Oh that, I would have told you eventually – I prefer to keep that to people I can trust or have known for a while, it is a little too fascinating to some people, they cannot get past it and regard me as a novelty.”

“When did you tell her?”

“Last year”

“Why did you tell her?” A thought came into my head, jealousy alongside it.  “Have you slept with her?”

“No I haven’t slept with her, she is not my type and in any case we work together, that would make life too interesting, I don’t shit on my own doorstep.  I told her about my parents, because we had been spending a lot of time together putting together an event, we were becoming more friendly, I thought she was opening up to me and that we would become firm friends.  It didn’t happen, after the event we went back to our normal work relationship.  I think when she split from her husband there had been some trust issues, she hinted that he had been sleeping around and how shocked she was when he left her for a man.  She has always been a little distant with me, this is getting worse.  I don’t know why”.

He did know, but he wasn’t going to say.

“Look man, I can’t work out what goes on with women myself, sometimes it is best just to keep quiet and let the storm pass. That would be my best advice.  Come on let’s get a coffee”

We walked back to the café, he ended up spending the rest of the day with me, I didn’t ask what would happen at work and his not being in the office.  I lent him my laptop and he was able to work on some documents, and do a bit of reading.   I enjoyed having him near, we worked together in peaceable comfort, he went home about seven.  I went back to the hotel and left my phone off.

 

**Thursday 18 th May 2017**

The bar was anticipating Ascension day early because the staff would celebrating at home, Stephane decided to thank them for their hard work by closing the bar for the night and inviting staff and their families for an evening of wine and song.

I decided to invite Tim.

We started the evening with glasses of wine, cheeses, amuse-gueule and mini rolls prepared by Stephane and his wife.  Later came some tender pieces of chicken, salad, frites and bread.  Then the liqueur came out, Calvados and Cognac.  Tim stayed off the liqueur, but there was nothing to stop me, so I had a few.  Someone sat at the piano, and started singing popular French songs – the café erupted, everyone knew the words.

Tim left my side and stood by the piano, he said something to the pianist; he started singing Je Te Promet by Johnny Hallyday, the café fell silent, he had a fine voice, not as full as Johnny but something caught at my heart, he looked directly at me, away and then back, now I understood why Stephane had laughed, how could I have been so stupid.

 

**Friday 19 th May 2017**

He left when the festivities were over.  I went back to the hotel, I was up until 3, trying to work out what the hell was going on.

We spoke but not of what the song meant, just chatting, conversing with the other party goers, I knew that we would have to have ‘the conversation’, it felt a bit too new to try to pull it apart.  I woke at 11am, my normal sleeping pattern had been shot to hell since I had arrived, I turned over and went back to sleep, when I next woke it was 1pm.  My phone was still switched off, I looked for messages, there were none from him.  Caroline had texted and asked if I wanted to meet for a drink, I texted her back – let’s meet for lunch, see you at 2.00pm, our normal place?

 

**Saturday 20 th May 2017**

I decided to spend the weekend away from Le Puy – I got a train down to Nimes the night before and went on to Perpignan, it was an awkward journey as there were two changes, but worth it.  I took my notebooks and the laptop.  I would do some work, spend some time thinking and sightseeing.

“How are you?”

“I am good, what are you doing?”

“I am in Perpignan”

“Perpignan…Perpignan…really…hahaha…what are you doing there?”

“Getting away from you”

“I know…hahaha…Why?”

“Why? You fucking know why.”

“Why are you swearing?”

“Sometimes I can’t with you…you were singing love songs to me”

“LOL, is that all.  How do you know it was for you?”

“Were you singing for me or not?”

“Well I hoped you would take a hint.  Do you like me?”

“Of course.”

“That’s good”

“I just had not thought of you in those terms.  I was looking for friendship.”

“What do you think now?”

“I don’t know what to think.  I am a little confused and overwhelmed.  Have you always seen me that way?”

“What way? Sexually attractive? Yes. I liked you as soon as I laid eyes on you.  But I had no intention of chasing you.  You gave no signs except of being friendly, finally I had to make a shot, I wanted to see if you caught on.  If you didn’t or didn’t like it, I would probably not see you again unless for the business of your research…I thoroughly enjoyed being in bed with you…and I didn’t take advantage of you, even though you liked it too.”

I couldn’t deny this.

“I didn’t find it arousing”

“You don’t know if you found it arousing or not, you were sleeping – and I could feel you…”

“OK that is enough”

“When are you coming back?”

“Monday”

“Come to me when you get back.”

“Who is this person?”

“I’ll send you my address, I am not in town at the moment, you’ll have to get a taxi, use one from the station rank.”

He finished the call.  I didn’t have a chance to disagree.

Perpignan was a little like Le Puy – very historical , a strong focus on religion, a cathedral, a few other things to see, even the beach was nondescript in other words it was perfect for someone who wanted to hide for a few days.

 

**Monday 22 nd May 2017**

I didn’t get to Le Puy until very late, it was after 11. I got a cab to the address Tim had sent me- it was somewhere near Saint-Julien-Chapteuil, about 30 minutes away, so nearly midnight by the time I got to him.

He came to door and hugged me, I was immediately stupid, gauche, shy not knowing what to do.

“What is the matter with you?  It is only a hug, I am just saying hello”

He put his arms around me again, I relaxed and put my arms around him.

“This is my first time…”

“How is this different from holding a woman?”

“OK, OK”

We stood there for a while, holding each other. He took his head from my shoulder to mutter into my neck.  He was just over 6 foot a perfect fit for my body.

“Do you want a cup of tea or a drink?”

“Could you make me a hot chocolate?”

He stood off.

“Where would I get those ingredients, this is a rented house, there are no shops open”

“Relax, I bought them with me. I just wanted to see if you could do it”

“Testing me already.  Give them to me, is it real chocolate? Do you want sugar?”

“…OK you can kiss me now”

I leant towards him, seeking his mouth.

He kissed me softly, insistently, pressing himself against me. This was something I could more than get used to - I got nervous again.  I had decided that I would see where this went, I would go with the flow but not too fast.

“That’s enough, go and make the hot chocolate.”

He laughed, his smile deep, his eyes merry.  I felt something inside me give way.  It felt a bit like I was wasting time before, waiting I knew for someone like him - now time was precious, I didn’t want to waste it.

 

**Tuesday 23 rd May 2017**

I was frightened now, I only had a week left - not enough time. I was due to leave on 30th May and had to be back for a progress meeting with my publisher in Paris.  I began to be anxious.  I spent the day gathering myself professionally, making lists of things I had to do, preparing to return to normal life.  I went around the rooms noting where I had left things, so that when it was time to really leave I knew where to find everything. 

I knew what I was really doing, preparing for when I had to leave Tim.  I was noting my life and surroundings so that I could take away some pieces of him.  Real pieces, bits of memory, some things I had stolen from him, a t-shirt, a biro he had used, a piece of soap he had used in the shower, his scent on my skin, the brush of his hands on my body. The feeling he left with me after he had created an orgasm across my body which was all encompassing, I knew what I was missing now.

Yes, we did sleep together that first night, I nearly died with pleasure.  I might as well be the walking dead.

 

**Wednesday 24 th May 2017**

Back to real life; I had to speak with Caroline.  We met for lunch, she had guessed what I was going to tell her.

“How did you know?”

“I watched you both, when you first met I could see he was taken with you”

“He told me that, but really did not see it. He is the first man I have ever had these feelings for. Did you know he preferred men, I had no clue.”

“I wasn’t certain, he did not give off the normal vibes, and he certainly did not set off my gay radar when first I met him.”

I looked at her, it was the first time that I had to acknowledge that Tim was homosexual.  I was not, yet I was undoubtedly attracted to him.

“Except I was right, he later told me that he had slept with women, but his preference was for men – in modern terminology, he is fluid.”

“Fluid – what does that mean?”

“It means that he loves you for you not because you are male”

“Love is a strong word. I feel uncomfortable with that”

Except I didn’t, it was the right word.

“Caroline, how does this make you feel?  I am sorry if I have messed you around”

“Armie, I knew what this was from the start.  I had no intention of trying to get you to stay or trailing around Europe with you.  I knew you would leave me, it was just a question of when, I was prepared from the start. You may not have been thinking in those terms, you have been living day by day – I am here permanently, this is my home.  I am settled. You and Tim have been travelling, looking into yourselves as well as the world and I think you have found what you were looking for. Besides, I had fun, you are great at lovemaking”

I did have the grace to blush.

“I know very little Caroline…”

I was about to talk about me and Tim, and thought better.  She added to my discomfort.

“Anyway, things were starting to get weird in the office, you know that expression – don’t shit on your doorstep, well you may have been the proverbial.  Tim started to get funny with me, he was jealous.  I couldn’t tell him anything concerning you, if I mentioned that I had seen you he got very frosty. We were already not great pals, I don’t tell him all of my business, so you were the icing on the cake.  I think it was funny, the Bishop would not be impressed – two members of staff have slept with the same visitor”

Now I was embarrassed, I sounded dissolute.

 

**Thursday 25 th May 2017**

“When is your flight?”

“Why do we have to talk about it?  I don’t really want to discuss it”

“We have to talk about it – I need to know exactly when you are leaving. I want to know how much time we have left”

I felt like crying.  He put his arms around me.

“You know how long we have, this sounds like punishment to me”

He sat me down at his breakfast table, sat alongside me.

 

“Armie, these things have to be faced.  Such questions have to be answered:

What do you want from me? 

Is this just a fling, should I accept that you will be leaving me here?

When is your flight?  I need to know the exact time and date”

 

“It’s the 30th May and I am not taking a flight back to the US, I am going on the train back to Paris.  I shall be staying there for a few weeks before I go to Rouen.”

“I thought you said you were flying back to America…OK”

“In what way is it better, I will still be leaving, why is it OK?”

“Let’s just make the best of the time we have”

He finished his toast and went off to work, just like that.  I sat there for a bit longer, got showered and went back to the hotel

 

**Friday 26 th May 2017**

I really did start to gather up my things, I walked around town saying goodbye to places I had visited, people I had become friendly with.  I would leave Stephane until the day before my departure – I had a special goodbye for him.

I bought things for people, posted them back to save me having to cart them around – a brooch for my mother from the same vintage stall I had bought the scarf from for Caroline, some Café Richard coffee beans for my father, other things you cannot get in America for friends.

It really felt like I was leaving, I was fretting.

 

**Saturday 27 th May 2017**

Tim had booked our first cottage for the weekend. The weather had taken a turn for the better. My spirits rose as we drove along the same roads – music was blaring from the speakers, Tim sat forward in his seat he had his hands on me at all times, on my leg or touching my neck, holding my hand when we hit a straight piece of road or clear highway,  I was very happy. 

We bought our own food and drink, we did not intend leaving the cottage or its immediate environs.

I wanted to spend as much time as possible with him, no sharing with other people.  We were coming back on Monday.

We arrived mid-morning, put everything away and went for a walk up to the pond, we hadn’t ventured onto the path out of the garden the last time, there was no time.  Now, the trees, shrubs and flowers were coming into full bloom, the garden and countryside were glorious. We walked beyond the pond into the wood, there were some little areas of heavy foliage, he dragged me into a sun speckled den.  

We were hidden, I had a good idea of what he had in mind.  He had chosen a good tree to lean on, pressed himself against me his mouth on mine, with his tongue he prompted me to open my mouth, deeply kissing me. His hand moved down my body running his fingers down the zip of my trousers, he undid them and put his hand inside, using the heel of his hand to rub my cock.  He pulled it out of my trousers, stroking it, wrapping his hand around it, gently making my cock lengthen, caressing up and down, he licked his fingers, they were slick with my juice, which made me very hard.  He had his groin pressed up against my hip, I could feel him getting hard and I wanted to touch him but he started to rub himself against me.  I was helpless, he dominated me - kissing, stroking, I could feel his dick stiffening against my side.  He put his hand over my mouth, it was all I could do to stop myself from groaning out loud, being outside, possibly being caught was as hot as fuck.  When he felt I was getting close he stopped, squeezing my cock so that I subsided. Then he started again, roughly stroking, rolling the head, his hand firmly clasping, fuck it felt good, I gasped with desire. He put my dick away, pushing it into the crease of my groin, rolling his hand against it, made me walk back to the cottage.  I was erect and frustrated.

When we got back to the cottage, he took me upstairs and undressed me – he wanted to do everything for me and to me.  My cock stood upright and hard, he left it out in the open and the effect of the cooler air was such pleasurable torture I just wanted him to pull it or rub it, it was yearning for his hand. I swear, if he left the cock untouched, anticipation would be enough to make me come.  I was trash.  He could do virtually anything to me, I couldn’t get enough of him once I had succumbed, he was tutoring and also taking sexual satisfaction from my body.  

  * I was still a ‘virgin’, I knew that I wanted to try fucking but of course was very anxious.



“Armie, would you like to fuck me?”

Of course I wanted to, just didn’t know how to do it.

He showed me how.

 

you look at me

and i remember the day

at the riverbank

when we were gods

(never let me forget that)

you smile at me

and I feel warmth

like summertime

or fire

(it consumes me)

you kiss me

and I forget all else

and remember that i

would follow you anywhere

(living or dying)

\- Song of Achilles

 

 

**Sunday 28 th May 2017**

When we woke the next morning, the sun had been risen for some time.  We were in no hurry to get up.

“Hello baby”

“You do know you are my love?” He spoke truthfully.

I had no doubt, he gave me every reason to believe what he said, he was attentive, calm, interested and reasonable. He listened to me, knew when to offer advice and when to leave me.  He could ask me anything and I’d tell him, if he wanted something from me I wanted to give it to him.  That is how I knew that I loved him.

 

“How are we going to manage this?”

“What?  Manage your leaving?  You aren’t going far, I can come up to see you on weekends.  I can arrange to take Fridays off, I am due some annual leave.”

“And afterwards?”

“We will find a way.  I don’t know the answer to that yet.

“I don’t think I can do without you.”

“Armie…”

I didn’t have the answer I wanted. I wasn’t a patience man, I had made my mind up; I wanted him, so he had to come with me.  This turn of events, meeting Tim, was obviously not in my plans, I had given no thought to how my family might react, my friends - well, those who disapproved could fuck off – I didn’t care about them.  I only knew that Tim came first.

“Have you told your parents about your sexuality?”

“Kind of”

“What do you mean, kind of?”

I got up on my elbow and gave him a direct look.  He didn’t blink or blench.

“I told my mum, I haven’t told my dad.  It’s just too difficult, he is very traditional and believes in the word of the bible. It is not worth the aggravation.”

“What will happen when I come to visit you in New York?”

“Oh, so you are coming to visit me?  Where will you stay…hahaha?”

“I am not joking, one way or another I will be visiting you…or living with you”

“Have you told anybody about us yet?”

“Well, no – haven’t had the chance, the only person that knows is Caroline.”

“Caroline…”

“Yes, Caroline.  She knew.”

“Anyway…”

I was smirking, he was finally annoyed.

He got up.

“Are you cross?”

“No.” 

“Look, come back – what is it with you and Caroline?  I liked her but we were basically just fucking.  It is not the same thing that I have with you at all. She said that you were getting upset with her over me, tell me what is going on, please”

“Caroline is not all she seems. The Bishop does not fully know her background – she was married to a man who slept with other men, she knew and married him because he offered her an escape from her little rural life. He was rich, born into a good family, he needed a wife to parade around Paris.  It couldn’t last, he found someone that he could love, he didn’t want to hide anymore – the full story is not known down here.  I only know because I know those people in Paris.  It isn’t any of my business and I don’t want her in mine – I don’t trust her, she is fundamentally a liar and lived a false life for money and status.  I have no wish to do the same, to lie about my situation, I just choose not share my personal information and I don’t want to discuss her anymore.”

I didn’t know what to do with this, it was best to leave it alone. Caroline had her reasons for her behaviour, I wasn't going to judge her. He was jealous, and had had to wait for me. We were moving on from this into our relationship.   Caroline was in the past, Tim was my future.

“Tim, I don’t know what your concerns are - I will never deny you, I promise you that now and in future. Do you think she will speak about us? To be honest I don’t care, a lot of people have seen us together this last week, I have been so happy that I am sure everybody knows I care for you…not just care...I love you Tim…is that premature?”

“A little, I have had longer to love you…you were too busy fucking all and sundry”

He could be a little shit. I pulled him into my embrace.  We were in bed for a while.

 

**Monday 29 th May 2017**

We arrived back in Le Puy at lunchtime, I had just about enough time to gather my things, and make my final goodbyes, before going to spend the night with Tim.  I paid my bill at the hotel, went across the road to see Stephane, and headed over to Tim for our last night together for a few weeks.  I would be back – Tim was going to be here for another year.

 

**Tuesday 30 th May 2017**

I am on the 11am train from Le Puy-en-Velay, I’ll be in Paris around 2.30pm.  I’d left Tim at his house in the centre of town, I couldn’t help it the tears came as I sat in the taxi, I was distraught at leaving him.

The tears came again when I saw him coming down the aisle, he brushed them away with fingers and kisses. He read of St Augustine’s friendship with a man, it spoke also of loss.

…For this cause my soul was sickly and full of sores, it miserably cast itself forth, desiring to be scraped by the touch of objects of sense. Yet if these had not a soul, they would not be objects of love. To love then, and to be beloved, was sweet to me; but more, when I obtained to enjoy the person I loved, I defiled, therefore, the spring of friendship with the filth of concupiscence, and I beclouded its brightness with the hell of lustfulness; and thus foul and unseemly, I would fan, through exceeding vanity, be fine and courtly. I fell headlong then into the love wherein I longed to be ensnared. My God, my Mercy, with how much gall didst Thou out of Thy great goodness besprinkle for me that sweetness? For I was both beloved, and secretly arrived at the bond of enjoying; and was with joy fettered with sorrow-bringing bonds, that I might be scourged with the iron burning rods of jealousy, and suspicions, and fears, and angers, and quarrels…

I understood well why he could not bear to share me, nor want to be parted from me.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Augustine:  
> https://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/6819578.Augustine_of_Hippo  
> https://sourcebooks.fordham.edu/pwh/augustine-con-eros.asp
> 
> http://the-song-of-achilles.tumblr.com/post/88597567654/aethernauts-archive-a-p


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